Dancing With Fire
Or how to safely surf a tsunami back to shore,
When we can help children safely, repeatedly surf the wave of activation back to shore, they discover that adults are strong enough to lean on, they learn the seeds of self-awareness and self-regulation, and they have the opportunity to change negative and outdated beliefs about themselves and their relationships.
Hurricanes and Hangovers
Despite our vigilant attempts to create a safe environment, we can’t manage or control every aspect of our child’s inner and outer worlds, to avoid every trigger (an impossible task). Moments of meltdown and hyper-aroused emotional flooding (with fight responses such as anger, kicking, throwing, hitting, spitting) may still be inevitable until they have more felt-safety, relational trust and regulation on board.
We try the advice we are given; send the child away or leave the room, shut the door, or try to help them ‘discharge’ all the pent up energy with hitting pillows or punchbags. And then seek professional help.
But what does staying safe mean? What if your child follows you? What if walking away triggers abandonment wounds so they escalate when you return? What if punching pillows makes them more trigger happy? And what if professional help is several years away?
You are left feeling helpless, hurt, ashamed and nursing an emotional hangover (whilst your child jumps up and demands ice cream as if nothing happened!)
There must be another way!
“My child’s violent panic attacks reduced from 30 minutes to 30 seconds in a few weeks. Thank you Kirstie, this is beautiful work”
— School psychologist and Mum of 2, New York
Impulses, instincts and insights.
When our children are struggling through super intense states, walking away is not the only option. In fact, the toughest challenges can be powerful opportunities to gain greater insight and understanding, and promote regulation or healing.
Wherever possible, we want to stay in connection to encourage the child’s natural desire to seek the adult out as an attachment figure, for support, comfort and safety when they have intense feelings to work through.
Children have a natural instinct to regulate, but they need help learning how to do that in healthy, acceptable and effective ways.
These impulses and instincts give us clues to how to help them in the moment, may reveal the context driving the behaviour , and creates the space for emotional processing, and mastery to occur, but we have to see through a different lens, know where and how to look, and learn how to change the energy of the dance.
Dance of connection.
When we skilfully support children’s energies and states to move through chaos to containment, from disorganised to integrated, they eventually learn to tolerate intense emotions without acting in or out. They befriend their body and its sensations, so its a safe, rather than scary, place to be. They reach for their own - healthier - ways to self-regulate and expand their emotional expression. They digest and make sense of their experiences, connecting meaning and context so they can be put in the past, rather than acted out in the present.
To help them do that, we have to discern when to step up, step aside, step down, or step away. And to disengage safely when needed, in a way that keeps everyone’s dignity and emotional and physical integrity intact.
When we choose to step in, we join in synch, take the lead and change the tempo and steps, until we are eventually dancing to a whole different tune.
Available as a live and online training. Contact me to stay informed of upcoming dates.
This is not diagnostic tool or clinical intervention. I am teacher, offering an experiential education experience and this process is not intended as therapy. The training is delivered through case studies, presentation, partner and group exercises. Parents learn frameworks, principles and practices drawn from sensory motor regulation, somatic and developmental movement, somatic attachment and trauma models and leadership embodiment. I work with parents only, I do not see or work with the children and parents remain responsible for the choices they make for their family.